Jealousy In Relationships | Why Do We Get Jealous?

Pareen Sehat MC, RCC
June 20, 2023

In the intricate dance of human relationships, jealous feelings often step in, casting a shadow over our connections with others. It’s a feeling that can creep up on us, subtly at first, then all at once, leaving us in unease and insecurity.

But why do we get jealous in romantic relationships? Is it a sign of love, a manifestation of fear, or a toxic trait that threatens to unravel the bonds we’ve carefully built?

In this article, we’ll discuss the roots of feeling jealous, explore its potential toxicity, and provide practical tips to help you navigate these turbulent emotional waters.

Remember, it’s okay to feel jealous—it’s a natural human emotion. How we respond to jealousy involves owning, learning from, and using this understanding to foster healthier, more secure relationships.

The Root of Jealousy

Jealousy often stems from our inner insecurities and self-perceptions about a valued relationship. It’s like a mirror reflecting our deepest fears about our worth and place in a relationship.

Low self-esteem can be a powerful catalyst for jealousy. When we struggle with self-worth, we may find it hard to believe that our partner truly values us, sparking fear and jealousy. A study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology supports this, linking low self-esteem with heightened jealousy.

Insecurities, too, fan the flames of jealousy. As clinical psychologist, Dr. Lisa Firestone points out, “The more we see ourselves as unworthy, the more we fear losing love and validation.”

But remember, these feelings aren’t the final verdict on your worth—they’re perceptions that can be changed. Recognizing this is your first step towards taming jealousy and nurturing healthier relationships.

The Ripple Effect of Jealousy

Like a stone thrown into a pond, jealousy can create ripples that extend far beyond the initial splash. It can seep into the very core of a relationship, influencing interactions and shaping dynamics.

Erosion of Trust

Trust is the bedrock of any relationship. However, persistent jealousy can cause this foundation to crumble. When one partner is constantly suspicious or questioning the other partner’s actions, it can lead to mistrust, making it difficult for a healthy relationship to thrive.

Breakdown of Communication

Jealousy can also lead to a breakdown in communication. It can create a cycle of accusations, overwhelming jealousy, and defensiveness, preventing open and honest dialogue. This can further exacerbate jealousy as misunderstandings and assumptions replace clear communication.

Potential for Abuse

In extreme cases, jealousy can even lead to abusive behaviour. This unhealthy behaviour could manifest as controlling behaviour, emotional manipulation, or physical violence. It’s crucial to recognize these signs and seek help from a professional mental health therapist if jealousy leads to abuse in your relationship.

Healthy vs. Unhealthy Jealousy

It’s important to note that not all jealousy is harmful. A certain degree of jealousy is normal and can signify love and care for a romantic partner. Healthy jealousy can prompt us to appreciate our partners and not take them for granted.

However, when jealousy becomes intense and persistent and begins to control your actions and thoughts, it crosses into unhealthy jealousy. This type of intense jealousy can be destructive and toxic to a relationship.

The Jealous Partner - Tips To Own Your Insecurities

Normal jealousy is common in relationships but can lead to misunderstandings and conflict if not addressed openly. Don’t let it fester like a bad smell in your relationship. Converse with your significant other regarding it.

The Importance of Open Communication About Feelings

Sharing your feelings with your partner builds trust and understanding. It’s like a trust fall but with words. When you express your own insecurities or uncertainties, you allow for empathy and support from your partner. This kind of communication fosters a safe space where both parties feel heard and valued. It’s like a warm hug for your relationship.

Turning Points of Tension into Opportunities for Growth

When jealousy arises, it’s easy to view it as a point of tension. But, it can be an opportunity for growth within the relationship. These moments provide insight into personal insecurities that need addressing or areas in the relationship requiring improvement.

With patience, compassion, and effective communication techniques, these challenging moments can become stepping stones toward a stronger bond. It’s like turning lemons into lemonade, but with emotions.

More communication tips:

Active Listening – Communication is a two-way street. As you express your feelings, make space for your partner’s perspective. Listen actively and empathetically without interrupting or getting defensive. This can help you understand each other better and foster mutual respect.
Relationship Boundaries – Discussing jealousy can lead to a conversation about setting boundaries. These are not meant to control or restrict but to provide a sense of security and respect in the relationship.
Building Trust – Open communication about jealousy can also strengthen trust. As you navigate these difficult emotions together, you show commitment and care for each other’s feelings, which can deepen trust.
Enhancing Self-Esteem – Finally, addressing jealousy can lead to improved self-esteem. As you understand the roots of your jealousy, you can work on building self-confidence, which can help mitigate feelings of jealousy in the future.

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Misinterpretation of Emotions and Its Consequences

Jealousy, a complex emotion often mistaken for love, can lead to harmful actions if misinterpreted. Confusing possessiveness with affectionate concern can result in stalking or digital dating violence. Misinterpreting emotions can have serious consequences on both personal and relational levels.

The Dangers of Misinterpreting Emotions

Misinterpreting negative emotions or jealousy for love can result in unhealthy relationship dynamics, including control issues and emotional abuse. It might even escalate into physical harm or legal troubles in severe cases. Research shows that misinterpreting emotions can lead to negative outcomes in various aspects of life.

Mindfulness Towards Emotional Interpretation

We must be aware of our interpretations of emotions to prevent adverse outcomes. Recognizing the difference between healthy expressions of care and unhealthy manifestations of possession is key. Mindfulness exercises can help individuals better understand their own feelings and reactions. It may be necessary to seek outside assistance if difficulty controlling emotions arises.

Conclusion

But as daunting as jealousy can be, it doesn’t have to be the director of your relationship’s story. You can take the lead with understanding, open communication, and practical strategies. You can transform jealousy from a source of discord into an opportunity for growth and deeper connection.

Remember, it’s okay to feel jealous. It’s okay to feel insecure. These feelings don’t make you weak; they make you human. And being human means that you have the capacity for change, growth, and resilience.

So, as you move forward, carry with you the knowledge that you can manage and overcome jealousy. You can build a relationship that’s not overshadowed by fear but illuminated by trust, respect, and mutual understanding.

And if the journey ever feels too overwhelming, remember that help is available. Therapists, counsellors, and supportive loved ones can walk alongside you, providing guidance and encouragement.

Ultimately, the goal isn’t to eliminate jealousy but to understand, manage, and prevent it from causing harm. Because you deserve a relationship that’s secure, healthy, and filled with mutual respect and love, and with each step, you take toward managing jealousy, you’re moving closer to that goal.

Take the First Step

Therapy can be life-changing, but taking that first step can be intimidating. Remember, it’s okay to ask for help. You deserve to prioritize your mental health and well-being. So make that appointment – your future self will thank you.

Why Therapy is the Best Thing You Can Do for Yourself

Between work, relationships, and everything in between, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and stressed. That’s where therapy comes in. Therapy isn’t just for those with “severe mental health issues”; it’s a great way to foster healthy relationships, manage complex emotions, and discuss unhealthy jealous behaviours.

Therapy provides a safe and confidential space to discuss your thoughts and feelings. Gaining a better understanding of yourself and your relationships and having access to strategies for managing life’s difficulties can be invaluable benefits from therapy. Plus, it feels great to have someone listen to you without judgment.

How to Find the Right Therapist for You

Choosing a therapist can be overwhelming, but finding someone you feel comfortable with and have experience with the issues you want to work on is important. Don’t be afraid to ask questions and shop around until you find the right fit.

Identify Your Needs: Different therapists specialize in different areas, such as anxiety, depression, trauma, or couples counselling. Identify what you need help with to narrow down your search.
Check Their Credentials: Ensure that the therapist is licensed in your state and check their educational background. You might also want to see if they’re a member of any professional organizations related to mental health.
Consider Their Approach: Therapists use various approaches, such as cognitive-behavioural therapy, psychodynamic therapy, or humanistic therapy. Research these methods to see which one might best fit you.
Logistics Matter: Consider the therapist’s location (a therapist near you), availability, whether they offer remote sessions, and how their charges fit into your budget.
Check Compatibility: It’s important to feel comfortable with your therapist. We offer consultations. Use this opportunity to gauge whether you could open up to them.

The Benefits of Online Therapy

With the added convenience and accessibility of online therapy, it has become a more attractive option in recent years. It offers many benefits as traditional therapy but with added comfort and accessibility.

Flexibility: Online therapy allows you to schedule sessions at a time that works for you without worrying about travel time.
Accessibility: Online therapy can be a great option if you live in a rural area or have mobility issues.
Comfort: You can attend therapy sessions from the comfort of your home, which can be especially helpful if you have social anxiety or other issues that make it difficult to leave the house.

Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

How can I differentiate between healthy and unhealthy jealousy?

Healthy jealousy is a natural emotion that can arise when we fear losing someone we care about. It's usually temporary and can even strengthen relationships by reminding us of our partner's value. On the other hand, unhealthy jealousy is persistent and intense and can lead to controlling or abusive behaviour. It's often rooted in personal insecurities rather than actual threats to the relationship.

Can jealousy be completely eliminated from a relationship?

While it's natural to wish for a relationship free of jealousy, it's important to remember that jealousy is a common human emotion. The goal isn't to eliminate jealousy but to understand, manage, and prevent it from causing harm. With open communication, trust, and mutual respect, jealousy can be navigated effectively in a relationship.

How can mindfulness help in managing jealousy?

Mindfulness involves being fully present at the moment and observing your feelings without judgment. Regarding jealousy, mindfulness can help you recognize your triggers, understand your feelings, and respond to them more healthily. Instead of reacting impulsively to feelings of jealousy, mindfulness allows you to pause, reflect, and choose a more thoughtful course of action.

What should I do if my partner is constantly jealous and controlling?

If your partner's jealousy leads to controlling behaviour, addressing the issue directly and honestly is important. Communicate your concerns, set boundaries, and suggest seeking help from a professional, such as a therapist or counsellor. If the controlling behaviour continues or escalates into abuse, prioritize your safety and seek help immediately from a trusted friend, family member, or local domestic violence organization.

How can therapy help with jealousy?

Therapy can provide a safe space to explore feelings of jealousy and understand their roots, often linked to personal insecurities or past experiences. Therapists can provide tools and strategies to manage jealousy, improve self-esteem, and enhance communication skills. Therapy can also help couples improve understanding, empathy, and trust within the relationship.

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Pareen Sehat MC, RCC

Pareen’s career began in Behaviour Therapy, this is where she developed a passion for Cognitive Behavioural Therapy approaches. Following a Bachelor of Arts with a major in Psychology she pursued a Master of Counselling. Pareen is a Registered Clinical Counsellor (RCC) with the BC Association of Clinical Counsellors. She specializes in CBT and Lifespan Integrations approaches to anxiety and trauma. She has been published on major online publications such as - Yahoo, MSN, AskMen, PsychCentral, Best Life Online, and more.